Moving on from a grey divorceRead Now
Like many men, I found myself divorced, 50 and uncertain as to where my life was heading. It is such a growing trend that there is now a specific term for middle aged divorce, Grey Divorce.
Again, like so many others, I was blind sighted and ill prepared for divorce. I was left struggling on so many levels and felt very little hope for a future of happiness and contentment.
Yet as I sit here a few years on from my divorce, I could not be happier with my post divorce life. In fact, I have had several people comment on how they have never seen me happier.
My point, is not to brag, but to reassure that regardless of how bleak things may seem, digging yourself out of the hole you are in, is actually easier to do than one would think.
Truth is that there are many places online and off set up specifically to help you through and after divorce. These experts will offer you a step by step guide to surviving divorce.
What I hope to offer is some advise based on my own experience. Not so much a one step at a time approach, but actions that can result in massive positive steps towards the next phase of your life.
Whilst everyone is different, the following actions will help you to push the reset button on life and have you looking forward with a smile.
If you are like most men of our generation, then it is likely you rarely see a doctor. Well unless that is, you are dying of man flu. Whilst it is better to get a yearly checkup, yearly and not once a decade, doing so during or right after your divorce has a number of benefits.
First of all, a health checkup whilst your are going through the added stress of a divorce should make sense to all, especially if your checkups are only once a decade.
Secondly, aside from all the blood tests and the poking and prodding, your GP is also the ideal person to gauge your mental health. Divorce and Post Divorce is stressful and can have a serious effect on your mental health.
Depression is all too common and whilst it is usually temporary, it is also very treatable. Just remember that Depression is no sign of weakness but a sign you have been strong for so long.
The chances are that your GP will not feel there is any issue with either your mental or physical health. However, it pays to be careful.
Men's mental health is a serious issue and one of the highest causes of death, especially post divorce and yet there is so much you can do to prevent it. For further information take a look at my post on Mental Health and Divorce, both part 1 and part 2.
Some men will think this a waste of time and money, but I can assure you that is a very effective way to move on from divorce. Whilst I discovered an interest in fashion after my divorce. This step has nothing to do with developing a new found interest in men's style and everything to do with leaving the past behind and moving forward.
There are a few reasons why this is such a great post divorce move. Firstly, it is inevitable that your wardrobe could do with an update. When I was going through my divorce, my clothes were all about 10 years old as I would rarely spend any money on myself.
Secondly, by going through your wardrobe and updating, it gives you the chance to get rid of items that may bring back memories of your marriage. I would suggest not doing this in one fell swoop, but in stages or else it can be a very costly exercise.
Start with your everyday attire and work from there. Remember, this is your chance to build a wardrobe you like and not one influenced by what your ex wanted you to wear.
Thirdly, the effect that new attire will have on your self esteem can not be underestimated. Be it a new shirt, a new pair of boots or some new jeans, you will feel like a new man. This will see you feeling happier as well as looking better and perhaps more importantly, your ability to deal with the stresses of divorce will be much improved.
If you haven't done so already, I would strongly advise that you start a bucket list. This is your chance to add things to your list that your ex thought were silly, as well as doing or experiencing things you have always wanted to.
It does not matter if it is big or small, this is your list. Always wanted to skydive or go to a Formula One or Moto GP event? Put it on your list. Always wanted to drive a convertible or maybe learn to fly fish? Put it on your list.
The point is to get you thinking about the future and how good it can be and not leave you dwelling in the past.
Find the you that you are now
Whilst this may seem a stupid statement, to suggest that you do not know who you are. The reality is that having just come out of a marriage, you have for many years been part of a couple and now find yourself as a single.
A relationship helps define who we are as individuals and this is usually a healthy part of a relationship. You have for many years been compromising, yet now all decisions are yours to make.
Another factor is that it is normal for many of us to freeze time whilst married. If you were married at say 30, much of who you are will still be stuck in your 30's, think of your clothes or your entertainment choices.
So you need to discover what the 50 year old you is into. The aforementioned bucket list can help with this.
My own journey has seen me discover things about myself that were never on my radar whilst married. Things like the way I dress, the foods I eat and how I socialize are very different to my married days.
This process will take some time, but learning who you are will fast track your happiness. In a previous blog post of mine, I discuss this concept with greater detail.
You may find that the 50 year old single you, is not much different to the married you. However, you do need to work out who you are now.
Reconnect with old friends.
Over the course of our lives we tend to lose touch with friends along the way. Life just seems to get in the way and the next thing you know is that you haven't spoken to someone for 15 years or more.
Couple this with divorce and our friend circle is almost non existent. One of the unspoken tragedies of divorce is that not only are our assets split up, but so to our friends.
Most men over 30 have few close friends and those we have are mostly the husbands of our wife's friends she made through your child's school etc. So after divorce she keeps the friends.
We all need mates yet find it difficult making new ones. So go and reconnect with old ones. Look through your phone numbers and give old mates a call.
Facebook and social media is an amazing way of reconnecting, even if you are not a fan of social media. Through Facebook, I myself have reconnected with many people from my past that I had lost touch with.
I have got back in touch with old workmates and even people I went to school with and have made a number of new friends this way.
Seek out life and adventure
Whilst much of this will be included on your bucket list, I feel it is worth mentioning on it's own. Don't wallow in self pity, instead, go out and face life full on.
I know it can be easier to say that than to do it, however it really is a great way to move on faster. Forcing yourself to have fun, may be hard, but the end result is still fun.
Start small by catching up with friends, going to see a movie or go and see some live music. The goal is for you to feel happy and alive again.
Ultimately you will be wanting to lead up to bigger and better things, things that make you feel alive. Go bungy jumping, swim with sharks or hire some hot laps at a track day. Getting your adrenaline pumping, is a sure fire way of getting your smile back.
Naturally, what I have suggested here is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to moving forward. I know myself that once I started actively doing these things that my outlook became far brighter.
Divorce sucks! I know that as well as anybody. The trick is to not allow the divorce to swallow you up. What is done is done, move forward and reinvent yourself ready for the next journey in life.
Things may be hard, but forcing yourself to move on and enjoy life will shorten the duration of the tough times. Being in your 50's is not a sign that it's too late, rather it is the ideal time to live the life you always wanted.
So between Christmas and New Year, I turned 50, yes the big Five Zero. So does that now mean I am old, that I now need to start looking at retirement homes, caravans, walking frames and hearing aids? Of course it doesn't, unless of course I wished or needed to, which I can say I don't. It does however mean that my head of Grey hair is more age appropriate than when I started greying at 16.
Very few birthdays bring about a change in our lives, here in Australia, turning 18 does see things change, at 18 you have the right to vote, are legally considered to be an Adult, can now legally drink and buy alcohol and enter licensed premises such as nightclubs. Another example here in Western Australia is that at the age of 80, you are required to pass a medical examination each year to keep your drivers license. No such changes exist however for when you turn 50. Sure, it is a milestone birthday, half a century of living on our planet is as good an excuse to celebrate as any I have heard and so celebrate I did. A gathering of family and friends helped me to celebrate my Fiftieth and I had a wonderful time doing so. But nothing else changed.
I didn't for instance, change my choice of radio station, even though Triple J is a station aimed at the youth market of 16 to 25 year olds, I still like the same music I did the day before my birthday and the number of years since my birth wan't going to change it. I most certainly did not develop the urge to wear ill fitting cardigans and socks and sandals or any other ageist cliche. The reason being , is that nothing has changed.
It is my belief that with each passing decade, everybody ought to take a look at themselves and the way they are viewed by others, and your Fiftieth decade is no different. Now I am certainly not suggesting that you necessarily need to make any changes, but without taking time out to assess who you are and how others view you, it can be all too easy to come across very differently than how you think you do. Many of us have smirked upon seeing a Fifty something acting and dressing like a 20 something, a simple review of yourself each decade can prevent you being the one laughed at. A previous blog post of mine about my own review upon nearing 50 goes into a bit more detail on this.
So am I now past it?
Well you are, if you think that you are! But bear in mind that you can expect many more decades of life still to come. In Australia and the U.S. life expectancy is now between 78 and 84 years, so don't be in any hurry to feel old. Sure, we have aches and pains we never used to have but advances in medical science have seen ways to combat these. Anti inflammatory medications, surgeries like hip replacements as well as activities like yoga and exercise can see us lead active lives well into our Seventies. I for one still intend to be playing the occasional game of golf in my Seventies. I am no stranger to aches and pains and back and shoulder issues as my blog post An Ageing Body, Massages and Yoga details.
How can I not feel old when I look old? Well if it is your appearance that is making you feel old, then be realistic about your expectations and make some changes. Ageing is natural, but there are things we can do to help slow down the way it affects us. Obviously Diet and Exercise are important, the healthier and fitter you are the younger you will appear. One of the simplest things you can do to slow down the appearance of ageing is to drink more water. Buy a water bottle you like and keep it with you, sipping away and refilling it throughout the day. My personal water bottle is made of stainless steel and is insulated, it will easily keep my water chilled for 12 hours and its woodgrain appearance I think is rather stylish.
Another way to minimize the appearance of ageing is the use of a good skincare regime. I dealt with this on my blog 5 Essential Grooming Products For Your Face. The things to remember though are to look for products that are specifically designed for men and more specifically, men in their Fifties. Men's skin differs from that of women and so requires a differently formulated product, plus as you age your requirements change. You will be wanting to add more elasticity and vibrancy to your skin than you would when in your Twenties.
So I guess the thing about turning 50 is that yes, it is only a number, but no one cares what that number is as long as you yourself don't. If you feel old, make the changes that will leave you not feeling old any more, but ready once more to take on and enjoy all that life has to bring.The choice is all yours to make, yours and yours alone.
Unfortunately, as we grow older our bodies develop aches and pains that we scoffed at when in our 20's. For many years I have had the "pleasure" of enduring the occasional tension headache.
Today, was one of those days. I woke this morning, after a late night of live music and a few drinks, to a sore neck and a head that felt like it was in a vice, even the slightest of movements or bright light sent my head pounding and my stomach churning.
Whilst it is certain that my ageing body has made me more susceptible to such headaches, it is worth noting that, for the most part I should be able to prevent them from occurring or at least lessen their severity.
Tension headaches are perhaps the most common of all headaches and whilst the root cause may vary, the common factor is still the same, tension. So, it makes sense then to ascertain what the cause of any tension headache is so that it can be combated.
In general, a tension headache is caused by tension in your neck and shoulders, but what causes that tension can vary. Overuse of your neck and shoulders, poor sleep, especially with a poor mattress or pillow choice, extended time spent hunched over looking at your computer screen, smartphone or even a book. Other contributing factors include stress, anxiety, depression, bright lights or noisy environments.
In my case, whilst their may be several contributing factors, I find that if I get over tired and therefore sleep "heavily" I will often wake with a sore neck and a headache. Last night was a case in point, I did have a late night and slept very soundly after spending the evening, listening to loud music whilst hunched over leaning on a railing and having spent money on a number of drinks at the bar. (p.s. No! I wasn't hungover, but a few drinks coupled with a late night ensured a heavy sleep).
So aside from taking some anti-inflammatories, with food of course, what were my options? Well I could have spent the day moping around being a grumpy old man for the rest of the day, but that was not going to be very productive.
So I started with a hot shower and whilst any movement was unbearable, I performed some basic stretches on my neck and shoulders with the hot water on my back. Personally I always find that a hot shower followed by a good pot of tea, improves everything. (Pot of tea? See I am getting old. )
Whilst I did feel a little better , I was still not in any shape to hit the day running. My next step was to get out my tube of fisiocrem. Fisiocrem is a wonderful herbal solution that was recommended to me by two Physiotherapists and contains the like of Arnica and Calendula. I have found it more effective than any other over the counter product for use on muscle aches. This time however, like the shower, it helped but not enough for my liking.
My next approach was to jump in my car and head to my nearby shopping centre/mall, where there is a small shop offering massages. I feel certain that you are familiar with the type of shop I refer to, an Asian massage shop with curtained off booths offering a basic massage service.
I have been to this shop a number of times and whilst I know not to expect the quality deep massage one would get from a professional sports/therapeutic masseuse, I for one find them to be a good entry level massage. Rather than just getting a neck massage I chose the neck/shoulder and back massage. I did so as quite often, lower back issues can manifest higher up, resulting in neck and shoulder problems.
In this instance it was money well spent, whilst I still feel a little tightness in the neck, my tension headache has abated and I am feeling great. I firmly believe that such massage shops offer a good service, however I will make a point of saying that should your symptoms not ease, a trip to a medical professional, be that your GP or a qualified Therapeutic Masseuse is in order.
Of course prevention is always better than cure, so how do you go about preventing tension headaches in the first place? Well, for me I know that losing weight is always going to help, and that is a work in progress. However, exercise and stretching is perhaps the best thing you can do to prevent any muscle related ailments.
One of the best forms of exercise, both for combating tension headaches and simply for men in their 50's, is Yoga. For many guys, you will no doubt have the idea that yoga is for women and its not a serious form of exercise. On both counts I can assure you that is not the case.
I myself, over the past 6 months have attended a number of yoga sessions and have been surprised at just how intense even a beginners session can be. Plus, at none of the sessions was I the only male there. The attendees have all been of a wide variety of ages and of both sexes.
The benefits of yoga are many and varied, but improving your flexibility, your core strength and your overall fitness, are the most relevant here. It is also a good social gathering, which is always a bonus for us single men, who knows who you may meet.
There are many types and levels of yoga ,so I suggest you simply start with a beginner level. A quick search online or even a phone call to your local council should reveal a number of local yoga classes. Many gyms hold yoga sessions, with non members attending on a pay as you go basis.
Why a new start at 50?Read Now
By the way guys. Embrace your age, do not pretend you are still 35. Whilst we are not all as genetically gifted as the likes of George Clooney or Nick Wooster, we can still look good at 50 and beyond. For me, having grey hair in my 30's ( well actually my late teens) was not something I felt proud of, I am now happy to rock a head of grey. If the Clooney's and Wooster's can do it so can we.
As for wrinkles. Your supposed to have some, I mean how foolish do those 50+ year old men look with their post facelift skin stretched taut across their face. By all means avoid premature aging with the aid of a good personal care routine. All men should have a routine that involves the use of moisturizers developed especially for men.
Now the other thing that I am yet to mention regarding reinvigorating your look, is for those who like myself are starting to date again, surely it makes sense to look your very best. Dressing up, rather than down not only imbibes you with more confidence but it also exudes a more confident air.
You will appear to be someone who has their life in order, someone who takes pride in himself and therefore others too. The end result is quite simply, you will appear far more attractive, which after all is the whole idea when dating.
Ready to date again?Read Now
I have over the past 2 years, started to get back into the dating scene again and whilst I am still at the time of writing, single, I have met some wonderful people. The dating scene has changed a great deal over the past 10 years and it is only natural that a 50 year old, enters this scary new world with trepidation.
Online dating is something that I have tried, along with speed dating and more traditional ways of meeting people. One thing my experience has taught me is that not everyone is ready to date again, regardless of having an online dating profile or their presence at a speed dating event.
Looking back, I for one, was not really ready when I first put my self out there. It would seem that for many, myself included, dabbling in online dating can at first be a way to "test the waters", a right of passage without having to dive head first into dating and risk being hurt.
We all know that it takes time to move on from previous relationships, especially when the decision for it to end was not our own, and nobody wants to be hurt again. It simply doesn't matter if we are 20 or 50 , our instinct is to be cautious and wary about opening ourselves up too soon.
However, just as our natural instinct is to remain guarded, most of us also fear being alone and crave the companionship of a special someone. The end result of these conflicting instincts, is for many of us to re-enter the dating scene before we are totally ready.
The first thing I wish to say is that, understanding that this in itself is both normal and a part of your journey, is the first crucial step in your search for love again. Over the past two years, I have met many lovely women who unbeknownst to themselves, had a protective wall built around them.
It is of course almost impossible to gain much of a rapport or connection with someone who is not willing to open themselves up, the end result being that we would both not feel the desire for a second date. I should add that, 3 months, 6 months even a year later, things may well have been different.
Knowing and accepting whether or not you are fully ready to date again is crucial , for if you are still in that initial stage of dating where you are building a protective wall, then your dating attempts are likely to be unfruitful. This of course then leads to a negative headspace, "Whats wrong with me", "Am I unlovable" etc.
So instead of filling your head with self doubt, ask yourself, " Am I genuinely ready to start dating and open myself up to possibly being hurt again, or am I still being overly cautious and guarded?" If you feel that you are indeed not allowing yourself to be fully open, understand that this is OK, the very fact that you are trying the dating scene again says that you are half way there.
Do not take it a a sign to drop out of the dating scene all together, rather, keep going, get out there met new people, practice your dating skills and know that your very next date may find you both ready to date and in the company of "the one". Accept that all this is part of the journey and your road to finding your special someone.
Since my 20's, I would rarely spend money on clothes, for the most part, I simply did not have the money, then when I did, I had a mortgage and a family of 3 to support. However, now single, I am certainly not rolling in the money, but my priorities have altered. I now have a desire to dress well, believing in the adage that "It is better to dress up than down".
Of course the blogosphere is full of male bloggers saying that all men should own at the very least a well tailored navy blue suit and then they continue to talk about work wear in the form of business attire. I do NOT wear a suit at work, my work wear is blue overalls, work boots and a hard hart. So I cannot really relate to those demanding I purchase a Navy suit.
So how did my journey into an interest in style begin? Well, with my red suede shoes. Now bright red shoes are not the usual choice of most middle aged men and they certainly draw a lot of comments.
Truth be told it took be 3 weeks of not being able to forget them, before I relented and purchased, what was then the most expensive pair of shoes I had ever bought. Every time I wear them, I feel a smile form on my face and I feel good about myself, so I guess you could say that they were indeed a fantastic investment.
To begin with I had figured that this was where my spending on clothes was to end. After all, my new shoes could be worn equally well in a casual or semi formal setting. What more could a guy need? It soon became apparent to me that my usual attire of blue denim jeans ,t-shirt and hoodie, not only looked tired and lazy but were not really all that age appropriate for someone closing in on 50.
So after time spent looking online at blogs and social media and I soon realized that I wanted a Sports Coat/Blazer that could also work in a variety of settings, something that paired well with dark denim jeans and smart dress pants.
After much research online, I headed off to the city totally confused about what I wanted to buy with my limited budget. I certainly found and tried on, a large number of fantastic jackets but the numbers on the price tags were causing heart palpitations.
Then, on walking past the Hugo Boss, Ted Baker and Country Road attire, I spied a rack of heavily discounted menswear. Of course, I am not a man of slender proportions, I have broad shoulders and midriff which is disproportionately large for my height, this in turn meant that much of the discounted jackets wouldn't fit.
There was however one that did, Navy blue in colour and made from velvet, not something that I was looking for. I let that jacket stay on that rack on and off all day, before eventually returning and laying claim to the 70% discount. I will admit that as I rode home on the train, I was experiencing some buyers remorse and doubted my choice of material. I mean its VELVET, what was I thinking?
Of course, like my beloved red suede shoes, I now love my jacket. I don't wear it that often now as my wardrobe options have expanded somewhat, but it stills does pair well with jeans and my red shoes or with dress pants and polished brogues.
These two items of clothing, altered the way I saw myself. Not only did I feel better, but I felt the desire to dress better on a daily basis. With the obvious exception of my overalls and work boots at work. I began to do more research and get a feel of what I liked, what I felt I needed to replace and most importantly for me, how I could do so without breaking the bank.
Sure, I've made some less than ideal purchases and am much wiser for it, the end result however is I now possess a great wardrobe of clothing, suited for all occasions and have an understanding of my own personal style and taste in accessories. By the way, I still haven't bought a Navy Suit. I also have an abundance of advice gleaned from my own experience on do and don'ts and ways to save money on purchases.
Divorced and nearly 50 I rediscovered who I was.