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13/11/2019

Being Thankful After Hard Times

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     We have all experienced hard times. Financial concerns, relationship breakdowns, health issues and matters concerning both family and friends.
           After my divorce, I certainly found it difficult to see the silver lining in anything. I was in an enforced financial hole, my marriage over and looking forward, all I could see was a lonely future after turning 50.
            Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I can look back now and realize that I had much to be grateful for. In fact, I firmly believe that coming through hard times can make us better and stronger.
            When I was first married, we struggled financially, to the extent of having to sell personal items to simply pay bills. We made it through and became more understanding of those facing hard times financially.
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            In hard times, your mental health is understandably at its most fragile.  As such your outlook on things can be negatively distorted and so it can be difficult to appreciate what you have.
              So I thought I would compile a rudimentary list of things that can easily be taken for granted but shouldn't be. 
            I know that  during hard times, not everything in the list may apply to you, but it is important to understand that you only need one thing to be thankful for , to be able to begin a rosier outlook on life.

         
  

Things to be thankful for and not taken for granted

  • Family and Friends.    In my darkest of times I was lucky enough to have a close knit family to offer me support.  Even if you are not close to your family, there is always someone , somewhere that will stand by you.  In times of need, even those you have not seen for years , will often be there for you if needed.
  • A roof over your head.   I know that homelessness is an ever-growing problem and that many people find themselves homeless through no fault of their own. Divorce is a leading cause of homelessness for men with jobs. So if you are lucky enough, to have a roof over your head at night and shelter from the weather, regardless of just how humble it is, then you have reason to be thankful.
  • Your Health.   Whilst you may not consider your health to be great, lets face it by 50, our bodies tend to creak a little, yet it could always be much worse. Even if you are facing hard times with health issues, the quality of Medical Care today is also not to be taken for granted. In Australia, we have free health care, even if, at times it requires a few years on a waiting list .
  • A loving partner.  If you are lucky enough to have a loving partner, this is something never to take for granted. This especially applies to all the little things they do. Having recently had shoulder surgery on my dominant arm, I have been unable to do even the most basic of daily and household chores. Without my girlfriends patience and help I have no idea what I would have done.
  • Food on the table.   If you are one of the lucky ones that have easy access to food, then life really isn't that bad. Especially if you also have access to clean drinking water. Something that a large percentage of the world's population do not have.
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  • Technology.    If you are reading this then you have access to the internet, and most likely both a mobile phone and a computer. Not to mention a TV or radio for entertainment.
  • Employment.    Not everyone is lucky enough to be employed, so never take it for granted, even if you dislike your job. The freedom even a minimum wage offers is incalculable and not to mention the psychological benefits of your being employed.
  • Longer life expectancy.  Due to things like advancements in health care, indoor plumbing and education our average life expectancy is increasing as is our quality of life
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 Other things to be thankful for
  • Nature and the Outdoors
  • Sunsets
  • Both the Sun and Rain
  • Eyesight and Hearing
  • Freedom of choice
  • Free speech
  • Art and Culture
  • Literature and music
  • Clean air
  • Sense of touch, smell and taste
  • The opportunity to be yourself
  • Not living in a war zone
  • Freedom of religion and thought
  • Public open space
  • Coffee and chocolate
  • The beach

            No matter how bad you feel that things are in your life, there is always something for which you can be thankful for. All too often we forget the small things. The freedom to walk along a sandy beach or the opportunity to simply chat with another person.
            Obviously this is a far from complete list, but hopefully it gives food for thought and allows you to mentally add to the list with things that you yourself are thankful for.

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28/7/2018

Cooking for  one

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    One of the big changes after divorce, is organizing your daily meals. This can be a challenge for a number of reasons.
    First of all, many divorced men have left relationships where their ex partner had done the vast majority of the cooking. Therefore, they may lack the confidence and perhaps even knowledge, on how to cook for themselves.
    Secondly, for those who are confident in the kitchen, many find that cooking for one is quite a challenge compared to cooking for a couple or a family.
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You do not need to be a trained Chef to prepare tasty and nutritious. meals for one
    I myself found this harder than I expected for a number of reasons.  Some of these reasons were unique to me , whilst others were universal.
    I know my way around a kitchen, having worked as a qualified Chef for 10 years, admittedly though, it was over 20 years ago. During my time married, I also did most of the cooking and grocery shopping .
    So it wasn't as though I lacked the know how. Another complication for me was the fact that I work shift work, consisting of 12 hour shifts both days and nights. The last thing anyone wants to do after a 12 hour shift at work is to cook dinner.
     Many divorcees find that it is way simpler to buy take away, ready prepared meals or Uber Eats. Sure, I eat takeaway but it consists of only a small part of my diet.
    So why is it harder to cook for only yourself than it is to cook for 2 or more? The answer is a complex one, psychological, physical and knowledge based.
    Psycologically, no one wants to come home after work and have to cook a meal from scratch, regardless how how many you are cooking for. However, when cooking for only yourself, there is no one but your own self to talk you out of ordering Uber Eats and as such, takeaway food usually wins.
    Without someone else with you it is all too easy to just say "I really cannot be bothered cooking, I will just buy something". My answer to this is to eliminate the need to cook from scratch. Plan ahead and have something ready that is quick and easy.
    When referring to physical reasons not to cook, I don't mean being physically tired, as that is more a psychological reason. Instead I am referring to not having enough in your pantry or fridge to be able to make a meal. Again, plan ahead.
    Knowledge based excuses basically mean a lack of cooking knowledge or no idea on what to do with what you have on hand. All excuses can be rectified with a bit of prior thought.
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Cooking a great steak is a start, but learning a few basics in the kitchen is the key to cooking for one.
                Knowledge
    O
bviously my years as a trained Chef come in handy at home, but not everyone has my knowledge or love of cooking. Non the less, this is still easily rectified.
    A quick Google search will reveal a number of cooking schools, mostly aimed at those with little culinary know how. So I would suggest you enroll in such a course and gain some kitchen skills and know how.
    I myself went to a cooking class last year that was specifically about making pasta. I had a great night, met some wonderful people (including singles) and honed my pasta making skills.
    The class I attended, finished with us all sitting down to a communal table and enjoying a variety of shared platters of pasta, gnocchi and focaccia all made by us earlier and accompanied by a glass or two of wine. 
    If your not wanting to get out and about and attend a class or two, I would recommend the purchasing of some cook books for beginners. Whilst most of the cookbooks available today are targeted at so called "Foodies", there are still a great many books aimed at beginners.
    Even some of the cookbooks aimed at children can be a great way to expand your cooking know how. You will just need to shop around and find one that suits you.
    There are two great books for beginners that are available here in Western Australia. Both books have been around for a very long time, but offer simple and basic recipes.
    The CWA Cookbook (Country Woman's Association) has been around for over 70 years and 17 editions. Whereas the Golden Wattle Cookbook, has had 27 editions since 1924. The Golden Wattle Cookbook was used in Western Australian schools to teach cooking and my own very dog eared copy I bought when I first moved out of home is still referred to today.
    Last of all is the internet. The net is a wonderful source of recipes, for beginners and chefs alike. Search for a particular dish or search  for recipes containing the ingredients you have on hand at that moment.

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My own well used copy of The Golden Wattle Cookbook contains simple to understand and use recipes.
                Physical
    To alleviate physical excuses it just requires some forward planning. I do my grocery shopping once a week and upon leaving the supermarket, I will have a general plan in place for my meals for the upcoming week.
    Whilst I come up with my menu plan while I shop, you may find it easier to devise your own menu plan before going shopping. I do not always fully adhere to this plan but it does mean that I am at least prepared.
    If for instance, I decide to make a lasagne, I would make sure that I purchase everything that I need to make it. There is nothing quite as frustrating as making a recipe and discovering you forgot an ingredient. Try making a lasagne without cheese or pasta sheets.
    Another piece of advice is to keep your pantry/fridge stocked with basic items as well as ingredients for a quick simple meal.
    I know that in my pantry I have a few options to be able to make a basic quick meal. I for instance have a can of beans and some eggs in the fridge or I can quickly cook some pasta and heat up a jar of pasta sauce.
    Meals such as these are not ideal as an everyday thing but can be a quick and hearty option to take away when needed. I will turn to my "emergency" meals in times when time has got away from me.
    For example, I may have been out visiting friends all day and arrived home much later than I expected. I may have planned on cooking a meal that night and had the ingredients ready, however arriving home late and hungry, something quick and easy is the best option.
            Psychological
    I know myself, after a long and physical day at work, the last thing I want to be doing is cooking my dinner, even though I enjoy cooking. It is for this reason that so many turn to the likes of Uber Eats.
    Yet again my answer involves being prepared. On my weekends I precook meals that can easily be reheated in the microwave. Dishes such as curries are not only delicious but are easy to reheat.
    Whilst I am quite happy to eat the same thing for a few days in a row, I understand those who prefer something different each day. The answer to this is to freeze your portioned meals. Then each night select a frozen meal and put it in your fridge to defrost ready for the next evening.
    Not every meal needs to be something like a curry or a stew, pasta dishes also can be easily reheated, as can soups and even some Asian dishes.
    Another approach involves components that are easy and quick to cook. Crumbed fish for instance involves simply placing on a tray in a heated oven to cook. Add your fish to your pre-bought soft tacos (or Bao) with some pre-purchased coleslaw and your done.
    It really is a matter of planning your meals ahead and choosing things that are simple to get ready to eat.
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Keeping a range of canned goods in your cupboard gives you options for quick and easy meals. Microwavable rice cups are perfect for stews and curries without the need to cook rice.
            Pantry Staples
    E
veryone should have a pantry containing basic staples. What goes into your basic staples is up to you and will depend on what you like to eat
    Below is an idea of the sort of things I will always have in the pantry, fridge or freezer.
  • The real basics.  Oil, Salt and Pepper, crushed garlic and mixed herbs.
  • Jar of pasta sauce and some pasta.
  • Loaf of sliced bread in the freezer.
  • Eggs.
  • Cups of precooked rice ( You can keep them in the pantry and purchase at any supermarket).
  • Frozen peas, spinach and corn.
  • Cans of crushed tomatoes, chick peas and baked beans.
            Basic Equipment
    Like pantry staples there are items of equipment that I recommend you have .
  • Microwave
  • 1.5L Saucepan
  • 5L Pot (For cooking pasta etc)
  • Heavy Based Frying Pan
  • Oven Trays
  • 3 or 4 L Slow Cooker (Inexpensive to buy and easy to use)
  • Wok (Learn a few Stir fry recipes, they are quick, nutritious and easy)
  • A decent quality 20 cm Chefs Knife. ( A knife this size may looking scary but is actually much safer than smaller knives when used correctly)
  • Measuring devices; Cup and teaspoon measures and a cheap electronic scale
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An Electric Pressure Cooker is well worth considering. Tender curries made in 30 minutes as opposed to 6-8 hours.
Although it isn't really basic equipment, I use my electric pressure cooker a lot, both as a slow cooker and a pressure cooker. A pressure cooker allows you to cook an 8 hour curry in about 30 minutes.
    A pressure cooker is not inexpensive, but cheaper ones like my Ronson are available.

            Handy Hint
    W
hen buying meat, how you intend to cook it determines what grade of meat to get. Meat comes as either Primary or Secondary cuts. Never be afraid to ask for help and suggestions on what cut to buy.
    A Primary cut is something like a nice steak. It comes from a muscle that does not overwork and is cooked quickly. Ideal for BBQ or cooking in a frying pan.
    Whereas a Secondary cut like Gravy Beef or Lamb Shanks  comes from a part of the animal that does a lot of moving, and as such requires a long slow cook. Such cuts should be cooked in a slow cooker, pressure cooker or perhaps slow roasted.
    This is important to know as a Primary cut like a steak will become dry, pasty, cardboard like and unpleasant when slow cooked. Whereas the sinew and connective tissue in a secondary cut will become like a piece of rubber if  barbequed as it requires time to break down.
    Most of my cooking uses secondary cuts like gravy beef  and beef cheeks as they are not only cheaper but  when cooked slowly produce deliciously tender meals that can be reheated with ease.
    The truth is that it is not that hard to cook for one, it just requires a little bit of planning and forethought. It will not take long to develop some culinary confidence if the kitchen is unfamiliar territory for you.
    As an added bonus, if your wanting to start dating again. Many women find the ability to cook, an attractive feature in a man.

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26/5/2018

Life Rules For Men

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    Everybody likes to think of themselves as a good person. In today's ever changing world, the concept of toxic masculinity and what makes a man, has been debated constantly.
   
Indeed, in the wake of the Weinstein affair and the Me Too movement many men are now questioning their own actions and are confused about what is expected of a man. The male role may be changing, however, the basics of being a good man have not.
    I have compiled a list of rules that I feel are timeless and reflect the values and actions of a well rounded, happy, contented and good modern man. 
    My 50 years upon the planet has seen me gain a modicum of wisdom and as I write this list, I do so with the thought of sharing it with my own son, so feel free to do so with any burgeoning gentleman in your life.
  • Never shake a mans hand while you are seated.
  • When shaking hands, look them in the eye and use a firm grip. A firm grip does not mean trying to break all the bones in his hand.
  • If you are asked to keep a secret, keep it a secret unless doing so endangers someone.
  • When borrowing a car from someone, always return it with a full tank of fuel and in the same or better condition as when you took delivery. If borrowing for an extended time return it washed and clean.
  • Never turn down the offer of a mint.
  • Dress up not down. Remember that dressing up will make you feel good and not to do so in an attempt to show off or show others up.
  • Family matters. Stay in touch and do everything you can to heal a fractured family.
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Dress up not down
PictureCarry a handkerchief or two
  • Think of what is between you and the earth and buy good quality shoes, bed sheets and car tyres.
  • Good manners are free and will always be remembered.
  • Respect both yourself and other people.
  • Give credit when due and accept the blame when you do wrong.
  • Be humble.
  • Always carry a Handkerchief,  preferably two. The second one is in case your significant other may need to mop a sweated brow or wipe their nose. 

PictureKeep your shoes polished
  • Keep in touch with old friends.
  • Ensure your shoes are polished and well maintained and your clothes clean and pressed.
  • Never allow a feud to simmer. Man up and do what is needed for a resolution.
  • Always be the bigger man and don't harbour grudges.  Apologize, forgive and move on.
  • Never make a phone call whilst angry, nor send an email or letter when angry. Write the email, re-read it the next morning and send it after you edit it again.
  • In an argument, don't try to have the last word unless it is to apologize.
  • Do not spread gossip.

PictureDon't over do the cologne
  • Ensure you smell nice, but never overdo the cologne.
  • Think of others. Remember, the joy of others is contagious.
  • Learn to genuinely accept and like who you are as a person.
  • Never stay quiet about injustice, inequality or prejudice.
  • When you see someone in need, don't stand back and watch . Step up and help.
  • Never judge someone based on a preconceived notion of who they are.
  • Discover and experience new things and places.

PictureQuality over quantity
  • Appreciate the hard times for the strength they will bring you.
  • Understood that not all disabilities can be seen. An unseen disability is still a disability.
  • Make a bucket list and continue to edit it each year.
  • Quality over quantity works every time.
  • Always err on the side of compassion.
  • Become a volunteer at least once in your life.
  • Time spent with your children is worth infinitely more than a higher income.
  • Never forget about yourself. Treat yourself occasionally, just because!

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Listen more than you speak
  • It doesn't matter how long you have been together. Go on dates with your partner.
  • Ultimately you will be remembered for your actions, not your wealth and assets.
  • Don't be late, aim to arrive 10 minutes ahead of time. If however you are unavoidably detained and running behind time, always contact all parties concerned as soon as possible and never later than 10 minutes before the scheduled time.
  • You have two ears and only one mouth. Listen more and talk less.
  • Always carry some cash.
  • Age with dignity. Remember, that growing old is better than the alternative.
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A good overnight bag is a must
  • When buying clothes, factor in additional tailoring and make sure you get them adjusted to fit you right. (i.e. sleeve and cuff length as well as darts in/out in your shirting.)
  • Never go to a party or dinner party empty handed.
  • Buy yourself a good quality overnight bag.
  • Know at least one good icebreaker or conversation starter.
  • Learn how to cook. At the least know a few basic dishes both savoury and sweet.
  • Be alert to mental health and know the signs and what /where to go. This applies to both yourself and those around you. Understand that accepting mental health issues is a sign of strength not weakness.
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A good skincare regime is a must
  • Always be there for family and friends. Offering a shoulder to cry on or a good ear is better than losing the people in your life.
  • Respect service people and those working when you are not. Bar personnel, police officers, paramedics etc are working unsociable hours and offering you services.
  • Keep abreast of current affairs and politics. No need to bean expert, just keep yourself informed.
  • Remember that being woken up at 2 am to give someone a lift, a hand or an ear is far better than being woken at 3am by the police.
  • Look after your skin . Establish a personal care routine using products designed for men.
  • Say hello to people and smile.

    I am sure that  you may feel I have missed some things, however at the very least my list here is a good starting point. Most of these suggested rules apply to people of any gender and age.
    A quick look over my list and I realize that there are a few items that I could focus more on myself. That in itself is a reminder to all that,n on occasions we forget and sometimes need reminding of our very own advice.

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    Divorced and nearly 50 I rediscovered who I was.

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